Do you often put other people’s needs ahead of your own and consider yourself to be a people pleaser? It’s a common behavior that many associate with their personalities. It may even feel like it’s who you are. It can make us feel like we’re either disciplined or undisciplined in pleasing ourselves or others. However, this behavior isn’t fixed, and you likely adapted it as a form of protection.
When I say protection, I’m not talking about your physical safety. It’s more about psychological safety and a sense of belonging. For example, did you grow up receiving praise for being helpful and the “easy” one? If so, you might have learned that putting others’ needs ahead of yours got you recognition and acceptance. Or, maybe you had a sibling that required more attention, so you learned to figure things out on your own and not speak up for your needs because they weren’t as “important” as your sibling’s needs.
People pleasing is not all good or bad. The important thing is we use it consciously. However, we’re often using this pattern unnecessarily when we perceive we’re at risk of not belonging, versus when we’re really at risk.
So, now that you know that it’s a protection strategy, what can do you about it? Let’s break it down further and explore how to shift being a people pleaser.
If you’re someone who tends to put others’ needs ahead of your own, has anyone ever told you that you should set boundaries? While setting boundaries can be helpful for self-preservation, it’s not always that simple. When we get what we need, we feel guilty because we haven’t sacrificed and therefore have taken from someone else.
Since doing things for others can lead to external validation, we may not focus on our needs because the only recognition we’ll get is from ourselves, and in the meantime, we may let someone else down.
In both cases, it can feel like a win-lose where one person is winning and the other person is missing out. And, when we may be the ones that are causing someone else to miss out, it doesn’t feel so great, right?
Logically you may know it’s not the end of the world if you set boundaries and focus on your needs first. However, there are many reasons based on each person’s experience as to why it can feel uncomfortable at first.
One theme that comes up for people is they have an unconscious and underlying concern/fear of being unvalued, or at risk of not being lovable. In turn, they protect themselves by prioritizing others’ needs in an effort to belong and be chosen. Thus, setting boundaries might not feel safe because it makes you feel at risk of not belonging or rejection. But, what if that risk isn’t real given the situation?
Tools You Can Use:
To help break this pattern here are a couple of tools you can use to bring curiosity and hopefully gain clarity on your needs in the process:
When it comes to food, how many times have you found yourself diving headfirst into a family-sized bag of chips after a long day of doing for others? Or perhaps you aimlessly wander around the kitchen looking for snacks after having an uncomfortable conversation and not saying what was on your mind. Even though our eating habits may not make sense in those moments, there could be a connection between people-pleasing behaviors and how we eat.
Specifically, we might turn to food because we’re unsure if we’re meeting others’ expectations, and eating can provide a sense of comfort or relief from feeling like we’re failing. Additionally, setting boundaries can create tension, leading us to turn to food to release that stress, as it may feel like we’re risking letting someone down or facing rejection.
When you have a craving or an insatiable hunger, see what happens when you use one (or many) of the tools mentioned in this post. Does your craving change at all?
By understanding the roots of people-pleasing behaviors and using these tools, you can begin to shift and create healthier habits for both your mind and body. Remember, it’s a journey, and taking small steps can lead to significant changes.
Ultimately, we want to bring more compassion for yourself and to see how people-pleasing was brilliant back in the day and has served you well. But like a friend you’ve outgrown, it’s time to move into a new relationship with yourself.
1. What is people pleasing, and why do we do it?
People pleasing is a behavior where you prioritize others’ needs, desires, or expectations over your own. This behavior often stems from a desire for psychological safety and a sense of belonging. It may develop from early experiences where you received praise for being helpful or accommodating, which reinforced the idea that putting others first would earn you recognition and acceptance.
2. Is people pleasing always a bad thing?
People pleasing isn’t inherently good or bad. It can be a useful strategy in certain situations, but when used unconsciously or excessively, it can lead to burnout, resentment, and neglect of your own needs. The key is to use people-pleasing behavior consciously.
3. How can I identify if I’m a people pleaser?
You might be a people pleaser if you often feel guilty when prioritizing your needs, struggle with setting boundaries, or find yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no.” Additionally, you may notice a pattern of seeking external validation or feeling discomfort when others are unhappy with you.
4. Why is setting boundaries difficult for people pleasers?
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable because it may trigger fears of rejection, not belonging, or being unvalued. People pleasers often worry that focusing on their needs will let others down or cause conflict, making boundary-setting feel risky or unsafe.
5. How does people pleasing affect my eating habits?
People pleasing can influence your eating habits, especially when you use food as a coping mechanism. For instance, after a long day of pleasing others, you might turn to comfort foods as a way to relieve stress or discomfort. Unaddressed emotions, like tension from not setting boundaries, can also lead to emotional eating.
Laura is a Certified Holistic Health Coach and holds a certification from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN). She has supported over 125 clients who know what they should be eating but have a hard time sticking to it by helping them identify the familiar patterns keeping them stuck so they can radically transform their relationship with food.
Laura is a facilitator of the research-based Truce with Food® process, which helps clients achieve sustainable results by getting to the bottom of why they fall off track and aren’t able to remain consistent. She’s also the creator of the self-study course, “Behind Your Cravings.”
After successfully losing 60-pounds and working through her own emotional relationship with food, Laura’s mission became helping others get to the bottom of their self-sabotaging patterns.
Laura coaches clients one-on-one, in small groups, runs workshops, speaks at summits and conferences, and has been featured in Voyage Chicago. Laura can be contacted at [email protected].
